May 012011

Sassafras: How do we start?

Kestryl: I don’t know.

Sassafras: Ok, how about: “Hey y’all!”

Kestryl: “Y’all?!”

Sassafras: I say that all the time.

Kestryl: I don’t.

Sassafras: Fine.

Hey everyone, PoMo Freakshow here, with an exciting announcement about a new blog series that we’re debuting.

Kestryl: Is it a blog series or is it a column?

Sassafras: It’s on the web.

Kestryl: Does that make it a blog? What’s the definition? How about, blog/column?

Sassafras: Fine.

Hey everyone, PoMo Freakshow here with an exciting announcement about a new blog/column

Kestryl: No, I was wrong, that sounds dumb. Really. Let’s go back to series.

Sassafras: Fine.

Hey everyone, PoMo freakshow here, with an exciting announcement about our new blog series all about love, sex, and relationships.

Kestryl: Should it say queer? This is pretty queer. I mean I guess straight people could probably get something out of it too, but it’s really queer. I think that should be there, that we’re big old homos.

Sassafras: Do straight people even read our site?

Kestryl: Google Analytics doesn’t tell me. Was that alienating? Sorry straight readers (if you’re out there).

Sassafras : Fair enough.

Photo by Syd London.

Photo by Syd London.

So this is our new blog series all about queer love, sex, and relationships. The idea for it came after a whole bunch of our friends, and folks that we meet on the road  approached us asking  1) how we do it (the relationship part – not so much the sex) and 2) how  they can do it too.  In addition to being artistic partners here at PoMo Freakshow, we are “partners in life” and have been together for what will be 7 years this Pride Season (yes, we got together during Pride. We will tell you the full story when you’re older).   We’ve both had our fair share of unsuccessful, unethical, and downright abusive relationships, so when we got together we knew pretty well what didn’t work.  We’ve also watched friends struggle through more bad relationships than we can count.

Over the last seven years, we’ve spent a lot of time figuring out what does work, and now we want to pass along what we’ve learned to all of you. We decided to start this blog series because we really want to see more queers in relationships that are vital, fulfilling, and meaningful to them–whatever form that takes.  We’re not trying to be prescriptive, and we’re not pretending that what works for us will work for everyone else.

You might be wondering why we think we’re qualified to write about this, other than the ‘being together for seven years,’ which we’ve been told is the equivalent of “forever” in queer years. Neither of us are professional relationship counselors or therapists. We’re just two crusty queer kids that found each other, grew up, and built something beautiful along the way.

Kestryl: So lets tell them about what we’ve built.

Sassafras: Where do we start?

Here’s a brief overview of our relationship: As we mentioned earlier, we’ve been together for about seven years. We’ve lived together for six of those, including a cross-country move. We’re poly (more about what that looks like for us in a later post), and we exist in a conscious negotiated power dynamic (more on that later, too).  We’re not going to say that the only successful way to have a long term committed queer relationship is to be poly and in a leather dynamic, but we think there are things that work for us that will work for other relationship formations as well.

Kestryl: So now we’ve done the polite thing and introduced ourselves.

Sassafras: We like manners and etiquette.

Kestryl: Other than when we don’t.

Sassafras: Maybe we should start the relationship stuff.

Kestryl: Oh, you mean actually give people advice?

Sassafras: Something like that.

One key  we’ve found to keeping a relationship healthy, functioning, and hot is taking care of each other. This doesn’t just mean making soup when someone’s sick, or helping them put their air conditioner in.  It’s also all the little things that let the person or persons that you’re with know that you’re thinking about them, and that you care. It can be small and simple—

Sassafras: I like to leave Kestryl little notes and drawings all over the house, often featuring dinosaurs.

Kestryl: Yes you do….and they are adorable…and  this is the point where I feel the need to tell our readers that we’re going to endeavor to not make them  throw up in their mouths.

Dandelion chains in Prospect Park.

The caretaking can be of a more practical nature too such as making dinner (which Kestryl does frequently) or whimsical like a spontaneous spin on the carousel in the park. Taking care of each other, mentally physically, and emotionally is what feeds a relationship. It’s not just about doing cute things when you first get together, but making the other’s well-being, amusement and joy an everyday concern.

Kestryl: Didn’t we talk about this while we were outlining in the park? What do we have in the notes?

Sassafras: Notes? You made me a daisy chain.

Kestryl: You are never going to be our note taker ever again.

Sassafras: I’m cute!!!!

And folks, we’re out of time.  Catch us in two weeks for our next installment. We will be bringing you anecdotes, relationship tips, and answers to your questions.  If you have a question, just email it to and/or and we’ll consider it for a future post!

Til then—keep it cute!

  4 Responses to “Keep it Cute.”

  1. This is incredible synchronicity! So I’m training to be a couples therapist, and I’ve been reading your blogs for a while, and thinking about how absolutely lovely and loving and sound your relationship seems to be. Just this morning, I was thinking about writing to Sassafrass and proposing that y’all [I say y’all too] write something, some sort of how-to guide. I’m so happy you’re doing this, and I can’t wait to read what you write!

    • Daisy- That’s so funny! If there are any particular questions you have, or things you’d like to see us address please shoot me an email!



  2. …is wondering who doesn’t say ya’ll. Are there people who don’t say ya’ll? Who are those people? How are they able to live their lives, communicate, fix dinner or breakfast or tend to small children? Ya’ll is life, ya’ll! : D
    New reader, looking foward to this series!

  3. more, please.

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